I had an interview for a job today. I think it went well; I was energized afterward and enjoyed the committee interviewing me, strangely.

And now I can’t sleep. I couldn’t sleep last night; I spent two hours sorting through my college and grad school notes to prepare me for the interview in some way. And now I can’t sleep, wondering what my life will be like in 20 days — back at school, E in some kind of daycare? Or still here, in this house, with E?

Both scenarios elate and terrify me, to be honest.

I was all set to just let God make some decision for me, to be honest. Perhaps that was just wiggling out of decision-making. I thought getting a job at all would be a long-shot, so if I got one, I’d go back to work. If I didn’t, I’d stay with E. But I feel like finding a job is possible for me now, and that means that God made the decision? And I just accept it? Or what if God is telling me that I still have to decide, even if I get a job?

And for whom do I decide? What if what is best for me is not best for Chad or E? What if what is best for Chad is not best for me? What if what is best for E is not best for Chad? How do I determine what is best for my family when there are so many competing needs and desires?

Behind all of this, the thought of getting in front of a classroom again, of having students again, makes me very happy. But the thought of dropping E off somewhere every morning makes me very sad, too. AIEEEE.

Perhaps I won’t get a job. That would make everything easier, except for my ego. And who needs an ego, anyway?

I do have a long post about the shootings in my heart, too — it just hasn’t made it through my head to my hands yet.