Ugggh. I love writing, but it takes me such work to get to the place where I can write again. And it’s been more than five months since I’ve been able to sit down and think in this way, in the way that I need ….

Obviously, I got the job. I love the job. Four sections of 10th grade American Lit, one of 10th grade Honors American Lit, and one of 12th grade AP Lit. My school is awesome. I love my colleagues. I adore my students. I find such joy teaching my students through this amazing literature …. Wow.

Before school started, amidst the craziness of finding E daycare and prepping an AP course without any experience in the matter, I had every intention of delving into the weird way with which I explained that sudden change in the course of life, of pondering the way that I adjusted the narrative of that decision depending on how I felt about it at the time. Narratives are highly malleable. It fascinated me at the time.

But since then, my life has been a whirlwind. C has been working non-stop, leaving me as a well-funded single mom. And all props in the world to single parents — what a rush. I wake, get ready, wake E up, take her to daycare, work at least ten hours, pick E up, feed her, play with her, put her to bed, then grade and plan for about two hours a night. If I get lucky, I see C for an hour or so. If I get really, really lucky, he joins us for dinner.

I resigned from MDPL’s board. I couldn’t hack it. I take teaching seriously, I take E seriously, and I take C seriously whenever I get to see him. There was nothing left.

And then … I discovered that I was pregnant again.Unplanned. One lapse of judgment.

It’s taken me a long time to come to peace with this new baby inside me, but as I become huge and more excited about this new life, I feel a bit of mourning for what could have been. I do love my job, and yet I know that I won’t be able to take care of two little ones and do any sort of good job at teaching. So, unless C decides he wants a new type of job, I am turning myself to my progeny and their well-being again.

Which narrative to paint?

I report back to school in 72 hours …. Writing not to occur, perhaps, until a new baby joins us in late May?