Archives for posts with tag: productivity

Dammit. C is out of town. And I am at home with kids. The schoolyear has already begun. The craziness has returned to me, a little.

What craziness? The intellectual stimulation craziness. I know I am uber-lucky to be able to stay home with my little darlings, and things are MUCH better now that E can communicate (rather effectively, and rather constantly, and sometimes darlingly [is that a word? it should be], and sometimes maddeningly), but I find myself breathing in this deep sigh once I FINALLY get them both to bed. Which, by the way, is often at least a two-hour process.

And then, instead of getting myself ready for bed, I …..

  • clean and do random housechores
  • do exercises for my sad two-kid belly (today my nephew said I must be pregnant again, since my belly was so big. My sister and our friend and I just sat there in stunned silence. And I had thought I was looking a lot better, too ….)
  • take a shower. MY kind of shower, the type that comes when you can’t find time to take a shower for three or four days, the kind that lasts for 45 minutes, even though you generally try to be water-conscious in a desert state
  • readreadread
  • spend TOO much time providing teaching materials for your colleagues who are currently working (found the best poem for metrical feet ever. Coleridge was brilliant)
  • watch _Call the Midwife_ or _Legend of Korra_ or _How I Met Your Mother_ or _Orange is the New Black_ on Netflix
  • spend inordinate amounts of time online, just cruising the most random things

That last one is the worst time-suck ever.

All of this because I seem to need both time to myself (really to myself) and some kind of brain-fodder that my kids cannot provide. Even the days I see other adults, I find I still need this something else.

When C is home, it’s easier to feel guilty and only stay up until midnight. But he’s on a business trip tonight. And so I checked my email and responded. And then I organized L’s photos and posted them to Facebook, and then found myself looking at the photos, over and over and over because my kids are so damn cute, and checking every time someone liked my album, and then I read a whole bunch of renegademothering blog entries and laughed, and then I looked up brown recluse spider identification because I have something in my laundry room that is creepy right now (not a brown recluse, methinks), and I should switch the diapers in the laundry room but am a little creeped out by the spider, even if it’s not a brown recluse, and then I thought I really needed to write.

And I do want to write more. I think I need it. I think there’s something in me that I need to get out, whether or not it’s beneficial to the rest of the world. Thoughts.

But I think I need sleep most right now. Perhaps I just had to write to get to that. 🙂

On that note, here’s the cutest teething three-month-old, ever:

Image

I love that spindle of drool, just hanging out there.

 

 

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I had an interview for a job today. I think it went well; I was energized afterward and enjoyed the committee interviewing me, strangely.

And now I can’t sleep. I couldn’t sleep last night; I spent two hours sorting through my college and grad school notes to prepare me for the interview in some way. And now I can’t sleep, wondering what my life will be like in 20 days — back at school, E in some kind of daycare? Or still here, in this house, with E?

Both scenarios elate and terrify me, to be honest.

I was all set to just let God make some decision for me, to be honest. Perhaps that was just wiggling out of decision-making. I thought getting a job at all would be a long-shot, so if I got one, I’d go back to work. If I didn’t, I’d stay with E. But I feel like finding a job is possible for me now, and that means that God made the decision? And I just accept it? Or what if God is telling me that I still have to decide, even if I get a job?

And for whom do I decide? What if what is best for me is not best for Chad or E? What if what is best for Chad is not best for me? What if what is best for E is not best for Chad? How do I determine what is best for my family when there are so many competing needs and desires?

Behind all of this, the thought of getting in front of a classroom again, of having students again, makes me very happy. But the thought of dropping E off somewhere every morning makes me very sad, too. AIEEEE.

Perhaps I won’t get a job. That would make everything easier, except for my ego. And who needs an ego, anyway?

I do have a long post about the shootings in my heart, too — it just hasn’t made it through my head to my hands yet.