Archives for posts with tag: time

Dammit. C is out of town. And I am at home with kids. The schoolyear has already begun. The craziness has returned to me, a little.

What craziness? The intellectual stimulation craziness. I know I am uber-lucky to be able to stay home with my little darlings, and things are MUCH better now that E can communicate (rather effectively, and rather constantly, and sometimes darlingly [is that a word? it should be], and sometimes maddeningly), but I find myself breathing in this deep sigh once I FINALLY get them both to bed. Which, by the way, is often at least a two-hour process.

And then, instead of getting myself ready for bed, I …..

  • clean and do random housechores
  • do exercises for my sad two-kid belly (today my nephew said I must be pregnant again, since my belly was so big. My sister and our friend and I just sat there in stunned silence. And I had thought I was looking a lot better, too ….)
  • take a shower. MY kind of shower, the type that comes when you can’t find time to take a shower for three or four days, the kind that lasts for 45 minutes, even though you generally try to be water-conscious in a desert state
  • readreadread
  • spend TOO much time providing teaching materials for your colleagues who are currently working (found the best poem for metrical feet ever. Coleridge was brilliant)
  • watch _Call the Midwife_ or _Legend of Korra_ or _How I Met Your Mother_ or _Orange is the New Black_ on Netflix
  • spend inordinate amounts of time online, just cruising the most random things

That last one is the worst time-suck ever.

All of this because I seem to need both time to myself (really to myself) and some kind of brain-fodder that my kids cannot provide. Even the days I see other adults, I find I still need this something else.

When C is home, it’s easier to feel guilty and only stay up until midnight. But he’s on a business trip tonight. And so I checked my email and responded. And then I organized L’s photos and posted them to Facebook, and then found myself looking at the photos, over and over and over because my kids are so damn cute, and checking every time someone liked my album, and then I read a whole bunch of renegademothering blog entries and laughed, and then I looked up brown recluse spider identification because I have something in my laundry room that is creepy right now (not a brown recluse, methinks), and I should switch the diapers in the laundry room but am a little creeped out by the spider, even if it’s not a brown recluse, and then I thought I really needed to write.

And I do want to write more. I think I need it. I think there’s something in me that I need to get out, whether or not it’s beneficial to the rest of the world. Thoughts.

But I think I need sleep most right now. Perhaps I just had to write to get to that. 🙂

On that note, here’s the cutest teething three-month-old, ever:

Image

I love that spindle of drool, just hanging out there.

 

 

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I was cranky today, though not thoroughly so.  Chad was going to hang out with Elinor, and my mom, step-grandma, and I would go see this movie. Apparently Juanita was very excited. I kind of wanted to see the movie, kind of didn’t, and I worked myself up to a truly pathetic cranky attitude before heading out to meet them.

Why? Now that Elinor is here, I am a mom 24/7. It’s my full-time job. I am always on call. And that gets tiring, especially for someone like me. I like to be flexible, and I like to be independent, and I value the spontaneous. But now I must budget my free time, and plan all outings, and getting out of the house with a 16-week-old is … not getting out of the house in the same way. As much as I want to help with summer camps for MDPL, while I am there I am constantly attending to Elinor’s needs, and that is what I am doing. Anything else is secondary. Grocery store run? Elinor first. Trip to the park? Elinor first. Sleep? Elinor first. Eating? Elinor first.

And I love this. Elinor is amazing, and I am privileged to be her caretaker. I know this with all of my heart.

But I also know that the three or so hours a week when I can leave the house on my own while Chad and Elinor hang out are precious, precious, precious. I need to be just me every now and then (which is why I am again writing this at 11:37 pm when I should be sleeping).

So … going to a movie I kind of wanted to see was not high on my priority list for my precious time out of the house. I would rather go out to dinner with mom and Juanita, or go grocery shopping as I so desperately needed to do, or sneak to a coffee shop and work on my llama book.

Mom and I met early for a beer. Juanita called as I was halfway done (o beer) — the theater had changed the times just this morning (we had planned the outing the week before, when I wasn’t as self-righteous or cranky about my time) and we had missed the first half hour already.

I tried not to be gleeful. But after realizing that I couldn’t go to a later movie, we rescheduled for a Saturday matinee. And then we went and had tea and gelato, and talked about kids and cats and education.

It was precious. No more crankiness from me.